the night journal

6:30pm: chris broke up with me the day i moved out so he could get with booty call, this girl who is a total tramp. i have absolutely no respect for her so i wont even call her by her name. i wasnt even out of the house for 12 hours before he was bringing her to the house and sleeping with her. then he tries to sit there and tell me that he loves me and she doesnt mean anything to him. i can practically guarantee the only reason she is with him is b/c he is making $2,000 a month and happens to have a car. if he ever lost his job or his car (which with chris is a very direct possiblity) he would get dropped so quick it wouldnt even be funny.
in other news, rob and i are now dating and are very happy together. rob is one of shane's friends that i have known for a while. one night we were drinking wine and stayed up all night talking and at some point during that night he kissed me. he kisses really really well. we didnt sleep together that night, but later we did and it was amazing. we've been together for about 2 or three weeks now. i really do love him alot. and so does ophelia, my little pit puppy.
well im going out to dinner with rob. all for now.

3:13pm: im trying to decide if i should even stay in north carolina. my aunt wants me to move in with my grandparents in tennessee. chris wants me to get my own apartment, but im kinda scared to live on my own. my mother always wants to be constantly over involved in my life. she thinks she knows so much about me, but she doesnt know shit. she doesnt know about me being homeless after sarah kicked me out, she doesnt know about chris taking me back in so i wouldnt be homeless. she doesnt know about what i do on a day to day basis. if she knew the half of it all, she would give me all this shit about it, like she's so much better than everyone else. she wants me to stay her little girl forever, but i hate to tell her that can never be. im a grown woman now- i have my own bills to pay and my own shit to take care of. i dont need my entire family giving me shit and treating me like a child. i understand if they dont agree with the choices i make, but they dont have to go out of their way to make my life a living hell just for their own sadistic pleasure. the only person in my immediate family that i can even really stand anymore is my father and i have to lie to him so that i can even have a relationship with him. it eats away at me b/c the people in this world im supposed to be closest to and be able to tell anything i cant for one reason or another. my so-called girlfriends only want to be around me when they need something or when the other one isnt around and they need someone to be around. i hate superficial people. lorraine borrowed my bike last night and when i left this morning she still hadnt brought it back. i swear if she got it stolen or lost it, im gonna snap and fucking go postal. i dont know why i always seem to have the type of girlfriends that turn into evil bitches.
i reserved alot of books that i will probably never have the time to read. i still havent finished the ones that i have.
im supposed to get my apartment soon, and i'll be by myself almost all the time, which i really don't like, but i guess im going to have to get used to b/c thats the way my life has to be. i always have to end up alone and depressed and miserable. everyone ive ever known for any long period of time is either away at college or is dead. i honestly think i should have died the day of my accident. i feel almost like ashton kutcher in the butterfly effect; i have to get rid of myself for everyone else to have a better life.

1:49pm: hey if anybody reads this, please comment.

well i came home from work last night to find chris on the phone with cityspace(a renting agency)about my friends old apartment. the way he sees it he is forcing me to make a change in my life(ie:be more alone than what i am now). the way i see it, he's just trying to get to a place where he can dump me in good conscience. he's on the road all the time and i know he wants pauls lifestyle of being able to be with who he wants when he wants it. he said he wanted his house back, which i take to mean he wants to be able to bring who ever he wants home with him, screw around with them, then try to screw around with me as well when he cant find anyone else.
well all for now.

3:11pm: chris got a job working for band of oz, a beach music type of band from here. he's gone alot, which leaves me by myself for most of the time. we barely see each other between his work schedule and mine... the only day i have off next week is monday and thats b/c i requested time off..... we're supposed to be getting a cat soon, to help ease my loneliness and b/c chris wants a cat instead of a dog.
well all for now....must find food, go home, go back out and run errands, then go to circle at 8pm.

4:02pm: well, i finally have a day off where im not having to run errands all day.
alot has changed since my last entry. i had to move in with someone else, then got kicked out of there by the drunken bitch that owns the apartment over some dumb shit i didnt even do. i was homeless for about a day and a half before the person i was originally staying with let me come back and live with them.
chris and i celebrated our quasi-one year anniversary. we've been together off and on(but mostly on) for the last year. we've been fighting a little today but not alot.
well ive gotta go and finish some things(namely my story and lunch). later./

11:26am: hey everybody,
my birthday sucked royal ass. i got kicked out of where i was staying and got so mad i punched out a window pane, cut my knuckles to hell, and bled all over the place. the only good thing is that i now have a job and will finally be able to get my own place or at least room with someone.
i also started another story, but i still havent finished the original.
the people i work with told me i could come in if i wanted today, so i dont know if i am.
all for now

11:04pm: hey everyone
no i havent fallen off the face of the earth, to all those(if any one) who read this.
i was hit by an SUV on april 28th, 2004. i spent 3 days in NICU and then was moved to a normal room for the next four days. i was hit crossing the street in front of my school in raleigh. i made it through 3 1/2 lanes before the SUV hit me an threw me 107 feet. surprisingly i didnt break any bones, however i did have a very great head injury. i still have blood on my brain that is slowly dissipating. i had 2 lacerations on my spleen and several abrasions on my arms, ankles and feet. my left side is numb to an extent still, although i can feel my fingertips now, which is an improvement. i have to go to physical and occupational therapy for the next month. my neck is still very stiff and my balance is still questionable. i have to be cleared on my balance before i can take the transit bus and go back to school. i cant have another head injury in the next 3 months b/c it could really mess me up.
david broke up with me in the hospital. not to long before my accident, he told me he didnt want me to live with him anymore. then after my accident, i had to go back and stay with my parents( which thrills me to no end.) i had a lot of time to think about the whole david/chris situation and decided that i should have stayed with chris and never left. chris and i are working towards trying to have a functional relationship together. we still care about each other greatly, and we miss each other alot. ive seen him about three times since i got out of the hospital. i saw him tonight and i miss just having him there beside me at night. i just wish we could get back together and things could be like they used to. i want to wake up beside him each morning and be able to just hold him and talk to him like i used to.
david called me the other day and was giving me all this jazz about how he regrets breaking up with me and how he wishes he could get back together with me. he wants me to come back and live with him like we used to live together. i couldnt do that just b/c i know emily or some other chick would always be just around the corner for him to be fooling around with on the side. im not angry or bitter towards him b/c life is too short to harbor anger and hatred towards people and/or be bitter about things. i dont trust him as far as i can throw him, but i'm not going to condemn him as a person, like several people think i should do. he said that he would come and get me next saturday and that we could go and hang out. now if that actually comes to pass is another thing entirely. i dont expect him to actually do that. i expect to hear some lame excuse, and then he just goes somewhere with emily or who ever, so i'm not going to get my hopes up just for them to get dashed by dave for like the hundredth time. if it happens, it happens; if it doesnt, it doesnt. im not going to try to stress myself out about it.
bobby is supposed to come back for r and r on june twelfth or sixteenth. we're supposed to hang out together that day. i might go check on lorraine b/c she's been going through some shit lately with tyree and im worried about her.
my story is like a year behind, and i wish it were more up to date b/c of all the things that have happened in the last 2-3 months. 60,000 words is a novel, so i still have a long way to go to get to finishing my novel. i told chris he gets to read it and fully edit and critique it when i finish it, along with my english instructor and maybe bobby.
well im going to write an email to my aunt and then try to get some sleep.
later.

5:26pm: dave and i moved into our new apartment on monday. its so big! we still arent done unpacking yet but we're getting there. im closer to the library now, and we might get our phone turned on this weekend. anyways, chris and i are still friends and dave treats me like a queen so i guess everything is going pretty good.

well thats all for now
(impending rain clouds loom overhead- must get home before rain.....)

9:44pm: movin' out
well it finally happened.
i finally found someone who loves me and wants to be w/ me.
i moved out of chris's house on tuesday of last week and moved in with dave. we are trying to move into an apartment near ncsu. its really big and really nice and i hope we are able to get it.
i went in for some diagnostics tests today at the hospital. i dont know the results on them yet, but hopefully i will find out soon.
well, thats all for now. im going to hang out w/ dave a little while before we go to bed.

7:02pm: last night was very intresting. i went to a party near wake forest. its the closest ive been since i left 8 months ago. i ended up not getting home until about 7:30am b/c no one could drive me and i had to walk to triangle town center to catch the bus. it was insane. there was a full moon and it looked so beautiful thru the trees. it had this weird light that extended above and below it, but not to either side. i have never seen anything like it in my life. then when the moon was setting, it turned pink. i was walking thru the triangle towne center parking lot as the sun was coming up over the city. my horoscope for today was also very interesting as well. well thats all i can write for now. i gotta go home.

7:24pm: arrrgghhh.............i hate chris so much right now. he contradicts himself and still wont have kids. earlier today he gives me this crap about "oh i dont know if either of us are physically capable of producing children", but then he wont even try. i actually hate being intimate w/ him anymore b/c everytime we do, he turns into mr. anal retentive procreation controller. we always have to stop right in the middle of everything and it gets agrivating. he gives me this crap of "when it happens, it happens." , but then wont do anything with out a condom. and then gets mad when i dont want to do anything b/c my libido has been essentially killed b/c he always has to make everything into something about him. every time we make love, its when he wants to, not when i want to. i honestly think that he wants to be an eternal bachlor. he acts like the only reason im there is for his sexual pleasure.

6:53pm: last night and today ive been horribly depressed. last night chris made some comment which i took to mean he was ready to have kids, and then he went retro on me. it irritates the hell out of me when he does shit like that. one minute he'll be acting like he wants to have kids, then the next minute he's like "ummm...no thats not what i want" or "thats not what i said". theres all these people who get to have kids just b/c they have the ability to reproduce. take for example my aunts friend jodi... she and her boyfriend had an "ooops" : she already milks the government for all its worth, then has a kid so she can milk more of the governments money when she doesnt need it. in fact, she probably needs it less than some one lives in wakefield.
i would write more, but im about to miss my bus.

5:46pm: well, my sisters and my mother all have the bug that my aunt had. my sister emailed me and my dad called me to see if i had it.
the hotmail server's messed up, so i cant check and see if bobby emailed me back. last time i checked, he still hadn't.
chris and i have been getting along s little better. his friend dave has come over the last few nights and hung out, so it's been intresting. dave is really cute, except ive never seen him w/out his hat. chris says he has a bald spot that hes trying to cover up, but i dont know if thats true or not.if he doesnt have a bald spot then he's hot, but if he really does,hes not so hot.
i think i may try to see if hotmail is working at all.

7:09pm: i went on a hellacious trip this weekend. it wouldnt have been so bad if my sisters hadnt been there. they gave me hell the whole weekend. i was sick the whole weekend too, so that didnt really help things any either. i could barely eat anything.
chris and i got into a fight when i got back b/c he lied to me about whose phone he was using to call me. he had said he was using his friend dave's phone when he was using dave's girlfriend emily's cell phone. he lies to me about so many things and then expects me to trust him. how am i supposed to trust someone who lies to me? granted he lies to me about little things, but i mean what else could he be lying to me about? hell, for all i know, he and emily went to the lake together and screwed around. i didnt hear dave when he called me, so i dont know if he was even there. he also said lorraine came by, but lorraine knew i wasnt going to be there, so i dont know why she would stay until 3 am when i wasnt there unless something was going on.
chris tries to act like no women like him, and that he could never hook up w/ anyone else b/c im the only one that wants him. i hate to tell him, but women other than me do like him, and they do flirt with him and he lets them. like when he was working w/ kerry, i would get so irritated b/c he would act like she wasnt doing anything when she was blantantly flirting w/ him. i didnt have a problem w/ kerry as a person, but when she started flirting w/ chris and he started flirting back, involuntarily or not, it aggrivated me alot. then he tried to tell me he wasnt flirting w/ her when it was quite obvious to me that he was.
david might come by my house later on tonight. hopefully we can hang out some. he might be moving into my building.

6:28pm: chris and i got into a fight on friday night. he went into this rant about how he wasnt going to marry me or give me any kids for at least 6 months or more, depending on what he felt like. i got incredibly pissed off, and proceeded to tear our bedroom apart. i knocked all my books down, threw cds everywhere, threw an aleve bottle and some pennies at the wall, all in a violent rage. chris slept on the couch that night and it is probably better that he did. since he hurt me so much, he isnt getting any until he decides that he wants a baby.
when i went to my shrink appointment today, i got told that my therapist was not there today and my appointment had to be rescheduled for next week on the same day at the same time. chris will be thrilled b/c we barely have any money as it is, and b/c my phone isnt up and running, i had to waste a $1.50 in bus fare.
then when i got online, my sister im's me and says that my mother wants me to call her, but i have to call her on my cell(which probably wont be working until i get my tax return) or i can pay 50 cents everytime and probably waste my money b/c she more than likely wont pick up the phone.
then my sister starts asking me why im calling my own grandparents.....like im not supposed to be calling them or something. then she starts talking about some magnet that she wants to give me. then when i try to tell her that it doesnt cost them anything to make a local call she suddenly has to go to a concert and gets off.
then earlier this week i got told by my grandmother that i should come w/ my parents when they come in, to which im like "what are you talking about?" and then she proceeds to tell me that theyre going to tn for the weekend for my mothers birthday and come to find out they didnt invite me.

1:55pm: my boyfriend finally decided to show up..... nearly an hour and a half late! anyways, i heard from my friend overseas today. he's still alive and working his ass off in kuwait.
i think my boyfriend is cheating on me. i dont have any solid proof yet, but i do have some pretty convincing arguments about the subject.
such as A) he disappered sunday for a long time. when i got back from the cemetery, he was gone, w/ no note. so i grabbed my keys and cell and headed to my friends. in short i thinik he is cheating on me w/ our neighbor upstairs.
well all for now.

1:10pm: my mood
the antidepressants they put me on are messing w/ me. i feel like i cant get my breath alot and for awhile i was seeing things that werent there. my mood changes like every five minutes or something- i'll be fine, then i'll get angry w/ chris, then im sad- and it goes around and around like this. i dont know - i think part of my getting angry w/ chris is that he seems more and more determined to not have kids. the way he talks, you'd think he would never be able to support them. if he would quit drinking and smoking weed, he would have money.
has there ever been anything in your life that you wanted so much that you would give up anything just to have it and experience it? thats how i feel about wanting kids. i gave up smoking weed, drinking, smoking, and coffee so that if for some inexplicable reason chris decided he wanted to have kids soon, i would be ready. i even went off my birth control so that that wouldnt be an issue and it would save money. i even priced baby things to estimate how much we would have to spend to get a crib, clothes, toys, etc. it came up to around a hundred dollars(i can get most of the things from a thrift store in raleigh). the only thing outside of that would be the occasional box of wipes, the one time cost of cloth diapers and accesories. if i had to do formula, it would be covered by my foodstamps. everything else would be covered by my insurance. im probably going to be done w/ school and the other classes im going to be taking in about 6 months. after i take the other classes im going to be taking, i 'll be able to be an office assistant and/or a medical front desk assistant.
i think chris just doesnt want to lose his ability to walk out of the relationship when he feels like it. he still wants to act like a 21 year old guy and be able to drink as much as he wants, smoke weed all the time, and be able to sleep w/ whoever he wants, when he wants. he tells me thats not the case, but his actions prove otherwise. i wish i could just find a guy who wants to have kids and get married. im tired of always ending up w/ guys who play around too much and avoid commitment like the plague.

7:18pm: well i went to the er on friday the 13th,...fun stuff. my roommate and i have been fighting for the last 2 days. life sucks.

2:15pm: well i got up at 8am this morning, which is incredibly early for me. i havent slept well the last few nights.

4:37pm: the snow hasnt been very bad the last few days. i had to wait until today to be able to get to the library b/c of all the ice on the sidewalks.
i got my pictures from christmas back a few days ago. i mailed one to my grandmother.
i think my mother is trying to keep everyone from talking to me. every time ive called in the last few days, no one will answer their phone and im tired of wasting 50 cents to call them every time. no one has emailed me in awhile....... i dont know where everyone went to.
ive been working some more on my story. it still isnt where it needs to be.

8:09pm: hey this is my first entry here. i have to make it short b/c i gotta go get groceries soon.
my novel is verryy verrry slowwwlllyy getting up to where i need it to be. im about a month behind on it.
i want to include something on a friend of mine being sent overseas.
its rather cold tonight, but i think i might go for a walk in the cemetery tonight. it'll help me clear my head. i know i need to.